This just in…

I have been referred for assessment: watch this space!

EEEK! How do I feel about this?

Right now it’s a tough one as I am still taking care of my Gramps. I am thinking about all the lists and organising that I will have to do for when he passes….about getting my head back in the research thesis game….about then having to re-read my extensive notes on my behaviour: why do I think I’m autistic again?

Those close to me with whom I have explained that I think I’m autistic have asked this question.

I am autistic…how did I realise? How did I not before? The latter question is slightly easier – there is very little written on female autism and autistics, there’s no public exposure to what this means, so I just thought I was ‘different’.

I have asked BFF and ex A to provide the family observations of my behaviour. K has known me for over twenty years, she knows my ‘quirks’. and I lived together for the majority of our seven year relationship: he has a pretty sound grasp on my ‘quirks’ too. Although, at first he was sceptical, until I did the online assessments with him and he read the common female expressions of autism. Then it was ‘ah, yes, you did that all the time!’

I would ask my lovely L, but he is autistic himself and he doesn’t seem to recognise that I am ‘odd’ – apart from not drinking hot beverages and thinking negatively of myself (he considers me to be ‘awesome’).

And….what if they declare me (horror of horrors) neuro-typical?! That would be awful as this diagnosis makes so much sense. I know it in my bones that I am autistic. But my logical, need-for-evidence side needs the diagnosis. I need to ask questions, to get some answers. To perhaps work with fellow psychologists toward the creation of a female-specific ASD psychometric, seeing as the current tests are male-oriented (females express very differently on such a range of behaviours).

And so, with my brain in it’s typical overdrive, considering as it does all probable outcomes and eventualities, I bid you good-night.